As humans, and particularly within the gymnastics community, we love the tool of comparison. It helps us categorize information and comprehend similarities and differences. Comparison acknowledges growth and progress. And at its best, it's a source of inspiration. Isn’t that why we default to it so often?
Unfortunately, comparison also produces less desirable results . . . negative self-talk, low self-esteem, jealousy, anger, and feelings of lacking or scarcity! Which brings us to today’s topic of exploration, “ How do we use comparison to fuel motivation rather than as a source of self-destruction?”
Are YOU in on this important conversation? Let’s stick to the three goals of all Bold Mindset Posts . . .
(1) SELF AWARENESS
We ALL have comparison thoughts. The goal in this step is to get curious about them. Determine, ‘What comparison thoughts does MY brain offer me?’. You can learn more about self-awareness without judgment here.
Here are common ways we compare with examples for each member of the athlete triangle:
Comparing one item or person to another item or person
Coaches: How often do we compare our athletes? Examples of things we compare include work-ethic, physical strengths, mental abilities, body types, rates of progress, placing, scores, attitudes, etc. Do you verbalize your comparisons to your athletes? What is your brain making those comparisons mean? In what other areas is your brain offering you comparisons? Do you compare yourself to your co-workers? Parents? Other gyms?
Parents: It seems our brains also love to compare athletes (usually one of them being our child). We may fall into the habit of comparing levels, scores, places, advancement rates, external recognition, coach praise, etc.
Maybe we also compare commitment, parenting styles, and friendships. Be honest with yourself. What do you find yourself comparing within your experience as a gymnastics parent?
Parents on social media have even more sources of comparison with followers, sponsors, likes, monetary gain, products, comments, image quality, and the list goes on. Which one shows up the most for you?
Athletes: I asked our over 60-member Optional Team what things they find themselves most often comparing. Their list included skills, scores, scholarships, places, leotards, levels, likes, followers, bodies, abilities, groups, friends, and the list continues. You can gain a greater awareness of what your athlete or athletes are comparing just by asking. Remember, no judgment . . . just awareness.
Comparing to an Ideal; Future Goal or Past Self
Coaches: Due to the nature of our job, we dedicate a lot of thought to comparing our athletes to the code of points. The code of points rewards a 180-degree split and we notice our athlete is at 140 degrees.
We also compare athletes to our own 'code of points'. Take a minute to explore what ideals or belief systems you use to assess your athletes. ‘They should be able to climb the rope by level 4’, ‘They should have a kip by 2nd grade’, 'They shouldn't miss more than twice a year' etc.
Sometimes our comparison is a contrast to the past. We compare our current abilities to our past abilities. Or we compare our current athletes to athletes we have coached in the past. We compare current results to past ones. What are you comparing to the past?
Parents: We too compare our children’s abilities to our ideals and belief systems. Maybe we think our child should take more turns. He should make fewer mistakes. She should want to do private lessons or she should be able to progress without private lessons. We think he should maintain the same level as the peers he trains with. We also compare our children to what we think we would do. “If it were me, I’d . . . “. Which of the above shows up for you?
We may compare our child’s current placings and pace to the past. ‘In level 4 she won every event, now she doesn’t even place!’ Does your brain offer you a comparison of the now to the past?
Athletes: Often times we hear athletes comparing themselves to a goal or future desire. There are a lot of should statements that show up here as well. If I want to be a college athlete I should . . . etc. Have you heard your athlete comparing themselves to an ideal by using "should" words?
This year I have heard a lot of athletes comparing their current abilities to their past abilities. 'I qualified to Nastia last year and now I can't even make a bar routine.' What have you heard?
If you want to capitalize on this step, grab a paper and pencil. Write down your thoughts. Which ones are blatantly comparison thoughts? Which one may be comparison thoughts in disguise? Which thoughts does your brain offer you most often? Which thoughts cause the greatest amount of emotion?
Great work. Let’s move to step 2.
(2) WHAT ELSE IS POSSIBLE
This is where the Self-Coaching Model comes into play. Not sure what the Self-Coaching Model is? READ HERE.
Here are a few examples of comparison thoughts for each member of the athlete triangle.
Athlete Model
Circumstance: Coach says, "congratulations on another 1st place AA, Amy."
Thought: Amy keeps sticking . . . I hate that she always beats me!
Feeling: Jealous
Action: Talk snooty to Amy. Don't invite Amy to lunch after the meet.
Result: I hate who I become around Amy.
What else is possible . . .
Circumstance: Coach says, "congratulations on another 1st place AA, Amy."
Thought: Amy keeps sticking . . . I'm lucky to have a teammate I can learn from, I wonder how she does that.
Feeling: Grateful.
Action: Congratulate Amy on another win and ask her questions after the meet and during practice. Discover a few of her go-to thoughts, feelings, and rituals before and after meets.
Result: I have new thoughts and feelings to try out during practice and meets.
*If an athlete wants to feel jealous, I'm all for that. It's not my job to choose their emotions for them. I do however remind them that they are the creators of that jealousy and if and when they want to feel something different, there are other, more serving options available.
**I also teach athletes how to process emotions so that when jealousy arises from a default thought, they are more equipped to deal with it.
Parent Model
Circumstance: Athlete placed 10th in the AA.
Thought: She placed third last year, this is a waste of time and money.
Feeling: Frustrated.
Action: Ruminate. Lecture child. Complain to parents, spouse, and coaches.
Result: I waste time and energy on negativity.
What else is possible . . .
Circumstance: Athlete placed 10th in the AA.
Thought: She is not used to placing so low, I wonder what she and I can learn through this experience.
Feeling: Curious
Action: Look for signs of growth. Ask questions. Open communication with coaches.
Result: I learn new ways of supporting my child through this experience.
*There may come a time when you and your athlete decide that you want to spend your time and money on activities other than gymnastics. I'm all for that. Just be aware of the thoughts and feelings that are fueling that decision. Rather than quitting from frustration, I recommend retiring with a sense of completion. This has nothing to do with the circumstance and everything to do with thoughts and feelings. Look forward to my post on helpful decision-making tools. Psst . . . it's not a pros and cons list.
Coach Model
Circumstance: Team scores a 112.00
Thought: This team is way behind my team from last year.
Feeling: Discouraged.
Action: Yell. Increase intensity. Point out all of the ways this team is failing in comparison to last year's team.
Result: More focused on where I have been than where I am going.
What else is possible . . .
Circumstance: Team scores a 112.00
Thought: This team has different needs than last year, how can I adjust?
Feeling: Curiousity.
Action: Assess current thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ask questions. Seek information.
Result: Adjust to new circumstances.
*It's important to remember that our athletes are individuals and their results are a reflection of their own thoughts, feelings, and actions. With that said, it is important to take ownership of our influence. How are we contributing to the thoughts and feelings offered to them?
Choose one thought you discovered in step 1 and see if you can put it into a model. What does it create for you?
(3) EMPOWERING ATHLETES - REFRAMING COMPARISON
What do I do if my athlete uses comparison as a source of self-destruction?
Redirect her comparison.
"What part of that is inspiring?"
"I wonder what thoughts and feelings she uses to accomplish that. "
"What would you like to accomplish?
"What's one thing you can think, feel or do to bring you closer to that goal?"
Avoid circumstances that trigger comparison thoughts.
Instagram & Youtube.
Meet sessions in which she’s not competing.
Refrain from offering your own comparisons.
So and so did this by this age.
So and so doesn’t do this.
So and so never________.
If you do this like so and so, then you’ll _____.
What's one action you can take today to avoid non-serving comparison in your life or your athlete's life?